Many leadership courses teach how to give feedback, much less how to receive it. Feedback that we immediately perceive as correct and relevant is something that most of us handle well. It also gives us a feeling of being seen and appreciated, and we feel gratitude.

However, it is a different matter if we do not agree with the feedback. It may be something said in a meeting, at the coffee machine or written in an email. Maybe you have received a scolding from a customer. Whatever it is, it feels wrong and unfair. We often get defensive and in the worst case, we lose self-confidence and become unsure of ourselves.

Sooner or later, this happens to all of us, for the simple reason that we are all fallible and “not fully trained” as humans. However, our experience is that if you learn to accept and use feedback you disagree with in a constructive way, you will develop faster and do a better job.

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The first thing you should do is nothing.

Don't decide whether you agree or disagree with the feedback... yet. Give yourself time before you approve or reject it.

The only thing you should do if the feedback came verbally is:

• Write down exactly what was said, not your interpretation of what you heard. And do it as soon as possible. This prevents your interpretation from sticking. Then you can leave it for a while before you bring it up again, preferably until the next day.
• Be aware of your immediate emotional reaction. It is important to sort out whether you are angry, sad, contemptuous or whatever! Make a note of this while you wait; this will help you to have good control over yourself.

It is a natural reaction to immediately deny or dismiss feedback we do not agree with. We automatically become defensive and look for faults: Does the person know me well enough? Is the sender qualified to give me feedback, does he/she understand what I am doing? It could be something with the time, place or form. We question the intention of the person who gave the feedback.

When they also come in the form of messages or emails, it is extra easy to misunderstand and start interpreting. The format is written and short and they come without the extra information we get through body language that we get when we are in the same room. This is also a challenge in video meetings, even though we see each other's faces, there is a lot we don't see and therefore miss - the faces come much closer and the facial expressions become overt and can unintentionally reinforce what is being said.

We start interpreting and our imagination has no limits. In other words, we automatically make a series of assumptions and based on them we conclude. And we often conclude wrongly. Unfortunately, most of us are like that.

The problem with dismissing or getting defensive is that you take away an opportunity to learn and develop. So leave the feedback for a while, preferably until the next day.

Dig deeper

Many feedbacks are vague like “show more leadership”, “be clearer”, “think more strategically” or the more extreme like “sharpen up!”

After leaving the feedback until the next day, you bring it up. You've gained some distance and calmed down a bit. Now it's time to dig deeper so you have a clear understanding of the content of the feedback.

Assume that all feedback provides an opportunity for personal development, and that the person who gave the feedback has a positive intention to help you, regardless of how it was phrased.

Be healthy and critical of the feedback you receive from a factual, not emotional, perspective. It may be that the feedback is "taken completely out of context," but it may still be interesting and worth exploring.

One piece of advice is to help the person who gave the feedback express themselves in a way that makes sense and is understandable. The way to help them is to ask open and neutral questions. Just ask and listen, don’t get defensive or argue. “You said I need to think more strategically. Can you say a little more?”, “Do you have any examples so I can understand?”

If it was said in a meeting, consider whether it is the right time and place to check in there and then. If the feedback comes in an email, it is a good idea to call or ask for a chat. Responding with an email or message can quickly create more distance and more misunderstandings.

Only after checking that you understand what the person who gave the feedback meant, can you start working on it. Remember to thank them for showing interest!

Check your own blind spots

Often, feedback is felt to be unjustified because it addresses things we are not aware of and therefore do not recognize. But as always, there will be something that is right and that you can learn from. You are standing in a way inside your own room and looking out at the world, while those around you are standing outside and looking in. It gives a different perspective and they see things that you yourself do not see.

We all have blind spots – it could be habits we are not aware of, the effects of body language, behavior or the words you use. You see yourself as probing, while others see you as confrontational.

Be curious to find out more about yourself and how others perceive you.

Check out your own blind spots by asking the question: “What could be right?” and be honest with yourself when answering. If you have a manager or colleague you are comfortable with, or a coach, it may be a good idea to check in with them. Again, be as open and neutral as possible.

Decide what you want to do.

Now you have a clear picture of the content of the feedback and it is time to find out how you can use it in your own development.

Receiving feedback doesn’t mean you have to do anything, it just means you receive. You listen and write down what is being said. You reflect and challenge possible blind spots and check your understanding with the giver and others. Then you can decide whether you want to do something, what you want to do differently and how.

Whatever you choose to do, it's important to go back to the person who gave you the feedback to share your thoughts. By sharing, you will strengthen the relationship even if you choose to go in a different direction than the advice you were given. If you don't, they may think you didn't hear what they said or that you don't care about feedback and good advice.